Friday, July 10, 2009

its amazing how life changes for you....or is it the other way around?

I was thinking last night in my delirium of working out(an hour of cardio and then thirty mins on upper body strength training) Of how fortunate I am at this point in my life? While I wont go into the past the less said about that the better, I will comment that in my life I have been very ....lucky?

I say no not at all. There are some people in my life who would say that there is no such thing as luck. Some would define it as a higher power, others would just say the happenstance of life has its effects. I find that most people who believe in luck show a certain ignorance of the understanding of how life works. So when I here people use the word lucky I smile and wonder if they are breaking it down more for a simpler way of thinking.

I believe that when an unexpected good experience happens it is more earned than luck. For example when I was a young child my brother and I would both talk about how much we wanted to travel the world. It was almost an obsession for both of us. This desire has become a reality Spencer and I both have traveled extensively. Me throughout Asia and Spencer in Europe and Africa. Now these are two boys who grew up middle class in the Midwest. We took vacations but mostly to Michigan and Wisconsin. My point is that I believe "luck" is nothing more than a coming together of desires. One side has a desire for it the other has a desire to give it.

I heard the other day on the radio about a woman who wanted to take her daughter to some concert. She could not afford tickets but she took her daughter down to the concert and when she got there a man gave her two tickets to this concert cause his daughter had gotten sick and could not go. Is this luck? Divine intervention? or just right place right time? I would say none of the above. Luck is a fortuitous chance happening. That lady was somewhere where there was a possibility of this happening nothing fortuitous there. If it was divine intervention then the man would have knocked on her door and given them to her. Right place right time might be a little closer but who is to say that we are not always in the right place. I believe that in this world when there is a strong desire you will be drawn to that to which you desire.

When my last relationship ended I was convinced that I must be cursed. That for some reason I was not meant to be with someone for any lengthy period of time. I was to be a confirmed bachelor and that to put another person through this was not going to happen. I started to date....a close friend of mine refereed to it as sport dating. Nothing serious nothing commital. And I stuck to that idea...for a while. I set my life and lifestyle to be in this mode. But all the time I hated it. I didn't like the idea of not being able to share a certain closeness with someone. To be able to bare my soul completely good part and bad part alike was something I believed was not going to happen. At nights being completely alone was something I hated even when there was someone else in my life. Can someone be completely alone even if there is someone else in your life with you. Absolutely I never knew how lonely I was until recently. I used to tell my girlfriends or wives that if I left or they left me don't look around for me cause I wont be there I'll be gone. That tells me there was not a full commital there that something was held back. I can say that in every relationship up to the one that I am in I ALWAYS held something back. little something that was mine. Some would say that was a form of dishonesty. Probably. I still wrestle with this to this day. But I held out hope that something would change. Throughout all this I was putting a list together in my head of what the perfect partner would be. And how would I do things differently the next time.

Whats that saying about the definition of insanity. Doing the same thing over and over again and expecting a different result each time. It occurred to me that this is exactly what I was doing. Not to mention the fact that I was always going after the type of woman who always needed to be rescued. I would find these "strays" and try to save them. Funny thing was they never seemed to want to be saved. HA!!!

This time I didn't really plan and plot what was going to happen rather I just held a desire for the right woman to come into my life. I was convinced that this person never existed. Or if she did she would want nothing to do with me. Yes I admit I have a very low self esteem. I worry every day that something I do will not be accepted or wanted. I assure you it gets old and tiresome for me too. As a chef every meal I make I worry that people will not like it. I get stage fright every day. And with my relationships I worry about the same thing. I need to be needed. I need to be loved in order to be successful. I remember a time when I had a boss who like me and liked what I did. I was very productive in the position. Then that chef got transferred to another kitchen and a new chef was brought in who was a yeller and screamer....constantly berating everyone. Needless to say I failed. I made silly mistakes... was always second guessing myself. I lasted about three months and requested a transfer to a new property. That kind of failing hurts. It puts the feelings of being a failure in your mind. The same I am realizing is true with my relationships. When there is no longer a need for you or that you are not wanted its a painful feeling.

Which brings me to last night. I wished for Kelly.... I dreamed about her.... I remember thinking about her or someone like her years ago.... not just her looks, she's beautiful, but her soul, her spirited personality, her amazing strength and fortitude. In other words a strong beautiful smart woman who knows me as well as I know myself. But I know this, she didn't come into my life by luck or by chance.... we were drawn to each other. We talked to other night about how we met by chance...deep down I know she doesn't believe in chance or luck either. She knows we were drawn to each other and even now I know that she is reading this she will find some way to try to explain why its not just the way I said it. She will have a drawn out explanation of how she sees it. But that is fine deep down I know. I will just smile give her a hug and a kiss and know that the insanity is gone, finally, life is pretty good.

Its amazing how life changes for you?....not really you change life. Those out there that take on life like some predator who lays in a tree waiting for the prey to walk underneath you so you can fall on it. You can have that. You're shorting yourself. To me life doesn't come at me I go at it.